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Ask Gwen

January/February 2007

Borage Tea

2nd Marriage

17 year old granddaughter

Question: Borage Tea

I am interested in knowing whether borage tea is available in dry form?

Answer:

Thank you for contacting me about borage tea. I haven't seen dried borage tea but I checked with the health food store and they have commercially dried organic borage leaves. To make borage tea, pour 1 cup (250 mL) boiling water over 1 tsp. (15 mL) dried borage leaves. Steep until strong enough for your taste. If you like a sweet tea, borage honey added to the tea is great. (When I make tea from loose leaves, I use a tea caddy to keep them from floating around.) See Borage article in Recipes.Blue_Food_Energy.Borage.htm for information related to blue colour energy and health benefits.

Question: 2nd Marriage

I am in a second marriage for the last 9 years and recently I cleaned out some of the boxes that I had moved several times. Lots of old pictures of my previous husband and family. While I was cleaning out my things I came across a family picture of my second husband and his first wife and children. I feel that he needs to let go of the past too so we can move into the future together. I gave my family pictures to my children, should I ask my husband to do the same?

Answer:

Thanks for your question. Both you and your husband will have different perspectives about what it means when you let go of pictures that represent memories from the past. Communicating with your husband by exploring the belief systems around these perspectives will help you to understand what it represents for you and your husband both. Questions you may want to examine for your own self-awareness include: Am I feeling insecure? What does this represent for me? Am I tired of the clutter and just want to clean things out?

Asking your husband to do the same thing as you did requires that you determine how he thinks and feels about the situation as well. Does his keeping the picture represent his thoughts about his family? Does he value this picture as his link to his family (particularly his children)?

One of the issues in 2^nd marriages is that the new wife perceives pictures or memorabilia from the first marriage as having something to do with how her husband feels about her. If you take it personally, as something related to his feelings about you, you may feel insecure in the marriage. However, if you change your thinking and understand that this is his way of making sense of his life and has nothing to do with you - only what he needs to do to feel connected to his family, you will find that it changes the feelings you are creating.

How you think about this situation will create how you feel about it. (* See note below about the communication process.) If you think that he has to let go of the past so that you can move into the future together, these ‘pictures in your head’ may create feelings of stress and tension in the marriage. Even though you may not communicate out loud your expectations, your husband will feel, at an unconscious level, the pressure from your thoughts and expectations and may be very resistant to this pressure. You may decide that you want to let the expectations go, as they have nothing to do with you. They are his pictures and he needs to decide when, if ever, it is appropriate for him to let them go.

This situation applies equally to second marriages for men. It is especially true when the first partner dies and people re-marry.

* The process of communication involves three parts: 1) sensing, 2) interpreting, and 3) feeling. Sensing means that we see, hear, touch, taste, or smell something in our environment. Interpreting means to understand according to individual belief, interest, or judgement and is based on past experience. Feeling means to be conscious of an inward impression, state of mind, or physical condition and includes the feelings of anger, joy, sadness, excitement, fear, and so on. (Read Chapter 1, Interpersonal Relationships, in my book, The Healing Garden: A Place Of Peace for a more detailed explanation of the communication process.)

Question: 17 year old granddaughter

My 17-year-old granddaughter is not happy at home. She feels that she would be better off living in a house with about 4 other people. She would have to pay living expenses, food, her own health coverage, etc. I talked with her and asked her to think about all the expense she would have if she did move out before she made a decision. Did I tell her the right things? Also, should I talk to my daughter (her mother) about the situation?

Thanks for all your help. I look forward to your reply in your newsletter.

Answer:

This is an excellent question, as there are many situations where grandparents and grandchildren have a special bond. It is very difficult not to get involved, however, I think you did exactly what you needed to do. Helping her understand what happens in the ‘real world’ is a very useful tool. I don’t think it would be helpful to talk to your daughter. This situation is between the two of them and if you ‘get caught’ by interfering between your daughter and granddaughter, your relationship with both can be damaged.

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